Monday, December 19, 2005
I Love Walking In The Rain Because Nobody Can See Me Crying!
It is cold outside. I just stepped out and found the day tenderly overcast. The fluffy, dark clouds look mournful. Mourning Summer, perhaps. Reminds me of NY. How I wish it rains now! I want God to be benevolent, however. I know when it rains, homeless folks, on the pavements and sidewalks of this huge city, shiver in cold. But I like rains, I like the feeling of getting wet. I cry -- at times -- in the godly shower because no body can see me crying.
Tears idle tears I know not what they mean
gather in the heart and rise to the eyes
I don't have a reason to cry. Still I do. My pals don't know this side of me. Most of the time, I make them laugh. In cafe's and clubs. At home and away. We joke and have fun. Like a jester -- a clown -- in some ancient king's court. Sam's brand of sharp, witty humour, they yell.
In private -- at times -- on dark evenings and rainy days, I sob. I cry for my mom. Her love. She should not have left me like this in a big, bad world. Unloved and unprotected. God, not fair!
I love strange and beauteous things. Like...people who don't love me. Birds. Trees. Rain. Sun-set. Snow. Books. Fish. Flowers. Dew. Friends. Twilight. Honesty. Life.
I dreamt a beautiful dream last night. I was on a carriage. It was going to a snow-land. It was fitted with lights and bells. It gallopped. To Kashmir. To NY. God knows. Santa waved to me on the way. I trundled on.